Women at Work - Let Go of the Beliefs That Limit How You Lead

0:02You're listening to Women at Work from Harvard Business Review. I'm Amy Gallo. And I'm Amy Bernstein. A regular guest of ours, Executive Coach Muriel Wilkins, is here with us yet again, yay, with her signature mix of candor and compassion. Hello. Thank you for having me here again. Nice to have you back. So great to see you. Muriel, every time you're on the show, you help us see what being a leader actually requires on the inside. And you've channeled that special gift into your latest book. Tell everyone what it's called. Absolutely. So my latest book is called Leadership Unblocks Breakthrough the Beliefs That Limit Your Potential. So I have to be honest, I identified with several of those beliefs. But the one I focused on is the belief called I Need It Done Now.

0:58And I identified with another of them, the I know I'm right, which I understand Muriel is one you have struggled with as well. Yes, have struggled with, struggle with, and probably will always struggle with, but with a little bit more ease. So we'll go into detail about those hidden blockers and the steps you had us go through, which we strongly recommend our listeners go through too. Yeah, we went from vague feelings of, we know we need to make a change, all the way to concretely listing what we need to start and stop doing. Not only so that we as individuals can reach our full potential, but also so that our teams can and our organizations can as well. All right, so Miriam, before Amy B and I tell you about the awareness we got from reading and reflecting, and that it was a bit of painful awareness at the time,

1:57Can you just tell us what you mean by a hidden blocker and how would someone know that's what they have? Yeah, so a hidden blocker is basically a belief. It lives on the inside of you, which is why it's often hidden because you're not even aware that it's there. And a belief for simplicity's sake is a truth, something that you think is true.

2:26We all have beliefs and some of them are based on facts. Most of them are based on our perceptions, the lens through which we look at the world, which has, quite frankly, nothing to do with what's happening at the moment, but is a reflection of everything that has happened to us beforehand.

2:49The reason I call them hidden blockers is one because we're often not aware of them So they are hidden until you can bring them to the surface But second they often block us from being able to reach the goals that we have for ourselves unwittingly because they are serving another purpose But not necessarily the purpose that you want to have which is to reach whatever professional goals or personal goals that you have yeah, so some of the signs that you describe of you know struggling with one or more of those blockers. They include low morale, stalled advancement, resentment. They sound like problems we blame on others. Why is it so hard to see that we might be the common thread? I mean, think about it, right? Like, when you have to blame yourself for something, what does it mean?

3:42It means that you have to do something about it. So I think it's very easy to look at others to blame for what might be happening. And in effect, it's not say that others aren't contributing to it.

3:56But what most of us don't do is say, how am I contributing to the issue that's at hand or the challenge that I'm facing? And when we can start looking at what our own contributions are, at the very least, we can make some movement there. Because once you start making movement, it will change the dynamic of the circumstance no matter what. And in my role as an executive coach, which is what I've done for over 20 years now, my role is to help my clients or the individuals that I'm working with.

4:25Figure out how to be as successful as they can be within the context that they're in. My role is not to change the context. And so as much as my clients hate it, at the end of the day, what I always tell them is you're the one who's sitting in front of me. So you're the only one who I can work with in terms of making a difference. So let's talk about what choices you have in front of you for what you can do differently, keeping in mind, again, that everything is co-created. So the minute that one individual changes the way that they behave or respond, it automatically changes the dynamic.

5:02So my blocker as I mentioned is I need it done now and I used to see that as like one of my strengths that you sent me an email I responded almost immediately a slack even faster and I Hit this point of exhaustion not too long ago where I realized I cannot do that anymore. It's just it was counterproductive and it was burning me out and so I realized that I was making this kind of fundamental mistake, which was I was not separating the urgent from the important. And then relatedly, I was letting other people's urgency be my urgency. And I realized from that, that I needed to first make the distinction between the urgent and the important and kind of stick to it, not get blown with every

6:00puff of wind. Yeah, this is a really common one. And I want to sort of touch on a few things that you said, Amy. The first is you used to think of this as a strength of yours. Well, the fact of the matter is it was perceived as a strength of yours when it served you well in the capacity that you were in.

6:21probably when you were an individual contributor early on in your career. I mean, I remember when I came out of college, like my first job and for a long time afterwards, that is what got me great credibility with my bosses. The minute they said jump, I was like, how high let's go, right? I was more urgent than they were. Like I was figuring out what was urgent for them and solving it before it became urgent for them, okay?

6:49But then this this belief though is one of the ones that really holds people back from leading at scale. So one of the things that's key here is recognizing are the mantras or beliefs or principles that we live by at certain points of our career or in certain organizations. Do they necessarily serve us well when the situation or the context or the goal has changed and in your case.

7:18It does not to continue with the, I want it done now across the board because you are now leading at a much bigger scale with a lot of people wanting you to do things urgently, but not necessarily the most important things. Right. And just to your earlier point about, you know, how hard it is to realize that these are things that, you know, are built on beliefs rather than facts. My behavior was habit.

7:47Yeah. There was no mantra. It was, you know, decades and decades of habit. And so understanding it took some work. Yeah. And also, I'm realizing so much of this is internal work, but you have to sort of undo what others look to you for. That's right. A lot of people benefit from our behaviors, you know?

8:10Well, what is it going to mean now? You know, Amy B is not responding to her all her emails within four hours. Oh, my gosh. And so all it means is that there's a dynamic that now needs to be renegotiated. And that's what I talk about is if you can own your part of the dynamic, the minute you make a change, the dynamic changes. So let it start with you. Yeah. So Amy.

8:34B, let me ask you a question. If you had to reframe from, I need it done now to a different belief that you think would best serve you right now, what would that be for you? Well, so what I do now is before I even open my inbox or look at my Slack, I start out thinking, what do I need to get done today? What needs to happen so that everything else that needs to happen can happen, right?

9:02Um, so setting priorities and sequencing my own activities. Yeah. And then when I look at the inbox, I'm scanning for, you know, the white hot stuff that I need to deal with. And the rest of it, I kind of just leave it on red. Yeah. You know, I hear that as I hear that reframe is moving from, I need it done now too. I need to focus on what.

9:29actually needs to get done today. Exactly. And there's a small nuance there. Well, it's also me taking control and not being controlled by other people's requests. It was just super responsiveness.

9:44Yeah I mean look this is a really common one and I think to really unpack it you have to sort of understand what the source of it is right because this I need to do it now did not just start you know a couple years ago and for everybody it's different you know I know for myself that I need to do it now came from a place of.

10:05the more productive I was, the more accolades I got, right? And that's nice to get accolades. And so why not keep getting those accolades at the end of the day was a way of being valuable. And so I had a strong identity to productivity being where I pinned all of my value until it came at too much of a cost. Yeah. Well, the blocker I identify most with the I know I'm right.

10:34The point of the structure where you start talking about things that may have led you to have this hidden blocker, I was a little like, was she sitting in my therapy sessions? Because, like, you know, you were pleased a lot for having the right answer. You were often told that you were smart and publicly recognized for it. You excelled academically. You rarely, like I was just like, oh my gosh, of course I ended up with this no at all blocker. It makes so much sense. And yet.

11:02You're blind to it because it serves you so well. Until it doesn't. Until it doesn't. That was the interesting thing about reading that chapter is that you don't try to convince the client, example of Philip is his name in the chapter. You don't try to convince him that he doesn't know it all. You're just trying to convince him that his sort of arrogance and impatience is standing in his way. So it's not that he doesn't have the right answers.

11:24And I this is I'm saying it's not that I don't have the right answer. It's that the fact that I'm not including other in the decision. I mean, I think the real cost of the blocker is that I end up making other people feel small because I don't leave room for them. My thoughts, my ideas, you know, my confidence takes up so much room that it just hurts the connection, to be honest. Right. And and, you know, Amy, gee.

11:54If your goal was solely around knowing the answer, then we're good. Like keep doing what you're doing. Keep being the first person to give the answer. Keep having the answer. But if you are now defining your success as I want to make sure we get to the right answer, solving the problem is important. And I don't want other people to experience being around me as being quote unquote small or not included. Or if that is also part of my leadership, right, the way that I want others to experience my leadership, then in a way that belief is not supporting that goal. So it always comes back to what's your goal? What is it that you want as a leader? How do you want others to experience you and as well as how do you want to experience yourself? Yeah. Can I tell?

12:46I don't think I've ever shared this on the podcast, but when I realized this was a problem, this hidden blocker for me was when I was working as a consultant, I had a colleague who had become a good friend and we were working on a project. And at the end of a meeting, he looked at me and I'll change the curse word, but he said, do you know at the end of every sentence, there's a silent you idiot.

13:10That you don't say but it's in your tone and he said it and I was like at the time we laughed about it ha ha ha and I still I'm like mortified but that moment of feedback was really harsh and Yet such a I mean thank you to Rosario who gave me that who like took the leap to say that because yeah, I had no idea Yeah, and Amy gee I have a story to one up on you I went through the exact same thing I literally rolled my eyes at someone. After and I to this day, I can see it. I remember doing it. And I know what was going through my head was, I know the answer to this. And this person here doesn't know what the heck they're talking about. And this was very early on in my career. And I remember was in consulting as well. And the partner pulled me to the side and he was like,

14:09Okay, so you can't do that. And I was like, do what? You mean have every answer all the time? And he said, and he said, I know you knew the answer, but that wasn't your job in that meeting. Wow. Your job was to let the client get to the answer. You were just there to be supportive and to answer questions if they had them. Yeah. It may be in our pretty...

14:37aware at this moment of what our hidden blockers are, although maybe we have more too. But if you had coached us five years, 10 years ago when we weren't as dialed into this, like, how do you get people to develop the awareness that these exist and what their specific one is? So, you know, I see...

14:59my job as helping facilitate that thought process with the goal of that anyone who I work with and that is my goal with the book as well can do that for themselves so that they can coach themselves and I think the first place to start is to recognize when there's some dissonance.

15:19that is important enough to the individual for them to want to change. And that dissonance either needs to be with themselves. They're feeling like the way I'm behaving is not aligned with either who I want to be or who I believe I am. That's number one. Or there's a dissonance between how they're behaving and external. So what that looks like a lot of times is the boss says this is unacceptable or the organization says this is unacceptable or everything that I'm using to kind of externally measure my success, the promotion, company results, that presentation, the outcome is not aligned with what I want. And so it's dissonance for most individuals that creates this sense of need for change. And I will say for a lot of my, not even a lot, all of my clients, I always tell them it's actually not about changing the belief.

16:17it's having more range in your beliefs so that they are aligned with what it is that you want, which is where we start getting into, you know, the most mature leaders are the ones who can hold conflicting beliefs at one point. This is the both and they can hold different beliefs and operate with them because they have enough.

16:40maturity and wisdom and discernment to be able to say, OK, yes, this is a time where I need to have the answer. And this is a time where that belief doesn't serve me and I'm not going to do it. Yeah. So the first is like usually when somebody asks me to work with them is because there's a tension. It's not because everything's going well. Right. And so you have to feel that tension that makes you wonder. There's something that's not working as well as.

17:08I would like it to. Again, most people don't think it's them. They think it's somewhere out there that something is not right. And then the second is to really get curious. What is happening right now in you that's making you experience this in the way that you're experiencing it? And what would you need to believe? What would you need to believe in order to be able to meet that goal that you now have? And so it's through a series of questions and.

17:37There's no way I could go to a client and just say, you know what your hidden blocker is? It's that you think you need it done now. It's more in that they're seeing that something isn't working. And I said, well, what do you want to have worked? They're like, well, I want to feel like I'm being productive and I can make decisions. OK. Well, what would you need to believe in order for that to happen? And they'll say, oh, you know, I would need to believe that I don't need to respond to all of my emails within four hours. OK. So what would you need to believe?

18:05I need to believe that certain things are being taken care of and that I can delegate certain things and that there are certain things that are really urgent and that's what I need to focus on. And then we work down that thread. If you were to do that, what would look different? Well, I love the what would you need to believe? You know, look, I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist. And I give all credit to those who are. But at the end of the day, whether you're at work or outside of work, we all have these fundamental human needs which are we need to feel like we're safe. We need to feel like we're connected and we belong and we need to feel like we're worthy and valued. The issue is that many times we try to like force circumstances to make it happen, which is where these beliefs come from. For me, the one around I need it done now or I have the answer came from a place of I need to feel valued and this is the best way I can show my value. So I'm going to go for it.

19:03But part of what needs to happen as we lead, as we need to evolve and grow, which to me is the biggest business case for leadership development, we need to grow to a place where we're not looking for these external circumstances to feed that. Because as long as we're looking for those external circumstances to feed that.

19:22We move into control. We try to control people. We try to control systems. We try to control, which is very different than management and leadership, right? And it starts becoming very unproductive. And that's where we start, you know, getting people like my clients need help to move through those things because not only is it blocking them, but it's blocking their teams and sometimes organizations. Yeah.

19:46Let's let's talk about other people's blockers for a moment Because sometimes sometimes you notice someone else right like thinking about the I need to be involved chapter and You list signs like joining meetings that you don't need to be in being resentful about your workload insisting on being CC done things like sometimes we see those behaviors and other people is there any way to help someone you work with see this as a blocker? Okay, so here's the thing. Part of this is that like we wait till the moment or the situation to figure out how do I now show people that they could be doing something differently. And this is to me where modeling leadership is important.

20:33If you have shown all along as a leader or as a colleague that you are very self-aware and that you take that self-awareness seriously, that you do the work, believe me, people are watching. And you have much more permission and leeway to say, hey, you know what, colleague, can I share something with you about what I've experienced? And you use yourself as The role model. Okay. So that to me is always the first place to start the second place or the subsequent places to you need to ask for permission. From people to actually provide them with help, even if you're a manager. So how do you how do you ask for permission? You know, if you came and we're having coffee, maybe or I could walk into your office and you're like, oh my God, I've got 10,000 emails in my inbox and I would be like, so do you mind if I kind of.

21:30give you some thoughts and some suggestions or that we talk through this right now. And you have every right to say, no, I don't want to. Most people will not turn it down. Okay. And then you move into, well, what's going on? Like, why do you feel right? You try to figure out that dissonance. Do you want to feel something different? Is it that you want a different result? What is it that you want? And you're like, Oh my gosh, I can't, you know, these decisions. Okay, well, Here's what I'm noticing. Can I give you a little bit of my observations? I don't even think you have to call it feedback. Like feedback is so loaded, right? Can I share with you my observations? I'm seeing you respond, you know, very quickly. And like, I'm just curious, what's driving that for you? Yeah. So back to the person who always needs to be involved, has to be at the meeting, needs to be CC'd on the email. What if you said to them, why do you need to be at the meeting?

22:27What if you kind of interrogated it with an open mind? Would that be helpful? Would that help move them? Look, I think that it really depends on your relationship with that individual. If there is high trust, you've had these types of conversations, this person is used to you kicking the tire with them, you know, on them. No problem. That question with all those conditions not there can also lead to some defensiveness in them shutting down and actually defending the hidden blocker, which is why I think it's very important to add context. Why are you asking that question? And that's when it is, look, I noticed that you're in these meetings and I know you're also really busy. Do you mind if I just share my observations or ask you a couple of questions around that? That makes sense. Yeah, I want you to. And I don't even think it's why.

23:25What is it that's making you have to come to these meetings? And the minute they start to, they're usually will blame it on other people. Okay. I have to be there. Oh, okay. Well, what would happen if you weren't? Oh, and what is that causing any difficulty for you? Again, let's remember if it's not causing dissonance for the individual or causing any type of tension or difficulty, they're not going to be open to any type of input that you have on this. Okay.

23:54And if we think that we can actually influence them and get them to change the belief or whatnot without them wanting to, that's a form of our own control. So this is not about manipulating and controlling others. It is about them being able to get out of their own way, but they have to get out of their own way and you're just there to facilitate it if they'd like.

24:24Leaders when you've noticed they might have a hidden blocker. Well, I I didn't have that that language and that Structure in my head when I've done it in the past. I only just read Muriel's book But what I have done is when someone I'm close to Has complained about something. I'm always so busy and I have time to catch my breath And this same person also needs to be included in every conversation and every meeting on every email thread. I've asked, why do you really need to be in that? You know, your deputy is handling it. Do you not trust her to make a good decision? Are you worried that you're going to miss something important? Are there other ways that you can catch up? I've also pointed out how complicating it is.

25:20to demand that this person need to be included in everything. I mean, every additional person you add to a meeting makes that meeting that much more complicated to schedule, for example. And very little gets decided in meetings with 15 people in, you know what I mean? So I try to point out that there are behaviors that this person can control that are both causing the pain and by modifying them could alleviate some of the pain. Yeah. And I think what's critical here is people can modify behaviors, right? But if they don't modify the thing that's driving the behavior, it's short lived. Right. Right.

26:16is the issue. And I think that that's what I realized after, you know, years of coaching. I could coach on new skills and I could provide new actions and new strategies and approaches. But it wasn't sustainable because the operating system that supports those new actions and those new skills, which are the beliefs.

26:44weren't in place. And so they would then revert back to the old behavior quite quickly. So I want to get your help on something, Muriel. I want a free session. It's not about me personally, although it causes me a lot of pain. It's really about the organization and our love of meetings, our reliance on them, our overreliance on them.

27:14to conduct any sort of business. Meetings that are not always all that productive, meetings that are huge, drain on individuals' time. And I'm wondering if you can help us understand what hidden blockers may be at play here. I think the place to start is to say, OK, if we...

27:39Feel pain from the way it is now. What would make it feel like it has less pain? What would that look like? Okay, so is it that we have less meetings? Is it that less people are at meetings? Okay, so it's sort of the envisioning the future and Then you have to ask yourself What would we need to actually believe? In order to make that happen to have less meetings, let's say or for not everyone to be in the meeting And what I have found in this particular situation is you'll hear things like, oh, we would need to trust that the people who are in the room will actually make the right decision. And that starts hitting the nerve, right? Because then it's like, okay, so what is your capability of believing that now? I don't know how comfortable I am with that. Well, what makes you uncomfortable? Because I don't believe that I can trust everyone. Ah, now we got it.

28:33Okay, so now we understand what we need to work on is is the trust factor and I'm just using that as an example I don't know if that's exactly what's happening in your situation But I think it is about envisioning. What is the new goal? What would need to be the the mindset that we would need to have collectively in order for that new goal to happen?

28:55And if we don't feel confident we can have that mindset, why is that? Get curious about it to understand what's the mindset that we have currently that's keeping us from being there and unpacking that and then making a decision around do we want to have a different mindset or not and what actions would support it. So it's no different than what the work you have to do at an individual level. You're just doing it at a collective level, right? What I find a lot of times is with teams or organizations, when there is either disagreement or behavior in the organization that's misaligned with what people want or what they say they want, is that a lot of times there's not alignment around the assumptions that individuals are making. So even from a meeting standpoint, if there's misalignment around what the purpose of the meetings are, that in itself is a belief, right? If I believe the meetings are to make decisions, but my colleagues

29:52think that the meetings are for us to get consensus. That creates a different need for the meetings. So it is unpacking what is leading to today, us having a lot of meetings in this culture to what would we need to understand, what assumptions would we need to make in order to support what we envision, which is less meetings or shorter meetings or meetings with less people in it. That's very helpful. Thank you.

30:21But what you can't do is well, you can do it. I'm just saying I don't think it will lead to long-term success I think it will lead to long-term frustration is all of a sudden say we're changing the meeting structure and we're moving from you know our weekly Meeting where everybody's involved to now we're gonna move to monthly and only these three people come you can do that But if you do that you have to provide what are the underlying assumptions that are shifting?

30:51to then warrant this new structure. That's where people miss out. They not only announce the change, they don't get context for it. And as part of that context, they don't provide what are the assumptions that are moving to align with this change. I mean, that resonates so much having been part of organizations that are trying to make shifts, but they don't address the underlying.

31:18Beliefs and do you have any I mean you you address the meeting issue, but is there any other? Advice you have about pushing back on some of those blockers are helping the organization make a shift When it's a group shared belief yeah, I mean look I think it starts with leadership if you really want to see a shift from an organizational standpoint you better work with the leaders first and ensure that they are aligned with what needs to change, not just in terms of actions, but they are also aligned in terms of mindset and assumptions. And then, how do they do the work with everyone else? You know, I have an organization that I've worked with and they say, oh, yes, we believe in work-life balance. But when you look at the leadership,

32:05They're in there every Saturday, every Sunday, all day. And so sending emails at 1130 at night at 1130. So the mindset is not aligned with the values that they say this spouse and everybody sees right through it. Something fundamental underneath this is that a leader cannot move an organization to a capacity level that they haven't reached. So if a leader is trying to shift.

32:33organization to behave in a particular way. And yet they have not been able to move themselves to that behavior or evolve their own mindset. There's no way they're going to be able to lead others to it. Muriel, as always, this has been so helpful. And I feel like a better person as a result. So thank you so much. Thank you. And Muriel, thank you for helping me think constructively about some stuff that's really been eating at me.

33:04It's always such a pleasure to speak with both of you, and thank you for having me and being deep in this conversation with me. It's truly an honor. Can't wait for the book to be out. To hear more of Muriel's wise, clear-eyed guidance, listen to her HBR podcast, Coaching Real Leaders. Each episode is a real-life lesson with an executive. Some of the questions that recent guests have asked include, how do I get out of constant crisis mode?

33:36How do I lead change when there's stakeholder resistance? How do I deal with low performers on my team? In each case, Meryl helps them see what's really getting in their way and how to move forward with clarity and conviction. To learn how to coach yourself and other people through all sorts of hidden blockers, pre-ordered leadership unblocked is something in our conversation surfaced for you while listening. The book will help you understand it.

34:05reframe it, and move forward. Women at Work's editorial and production team is Amanda Cursey, Maureen Hoek, Tina Toby-Mac, Hannah Bates, Rob Eckhart, and Ian Fox. I'm Amy Bernstein. And I'm Amy Gala. Get in touch with us by emailing women at work at hbr.org.